I had been struggling with finding my "true self" for a few months then and was so tired of feeling out of place and timid, something I had never felt because I grew up a complete extrovert, constantly running around with the neighbor kids and talking the ears off of any stranger I came across. I attribute this to my mother being the pastor of a large church (8,000 members, to be exact) from when I was 6 until I was 12. Being a pastor's kid means learning quickly how to socialize with adults and finding common grounds in the conversation, something that isn't always easy considering the average age gap between me and the person I was conversing with was about fifty years. Although my 16 years since birth have been filled with endless conversations and opportunities to be a leader, all of a sudden, I found it hard to have a normal conversation with a close friend without feeling awkward and obligated to say certain things so as to please my friend. I couldn't figure it out.. why was I, a girl who grew up talking, unable to just talk? I was so distraught; I believed I would never get the "old me" back and would just be mute forever.
So I came upon the video and clicked play, feeling ready to be *~*enlightened*~* by the tan Irish man with large biceps. His accent was thick so I might have been mistaken in the message I received, but what I took away from him was that I had been envisioning myself as this class clown who made her friends laugh all the time and did crazy stunts and shit. I was making myself feel so bad for not being that girl, and it was ripping my relationships apart, one by one. It started out as just me scolding myself for saying something embarrassing in class, or not crafting a funny enough joke to project at the lunch table. I did that often enough that I started to feel like no one wanted to hang out with me and I felt awkward listening to my friends crack jokes, knowing I didn't have enough confidence to deliver a joke and make it funny. I missed the confident girl I believed didn't exist within me anymore, and I felt bad for not being someone I wasn't.
After I realized I had been making myself timid for months, I was able to take a step back and realize that I could still be the person I knew and loved, so I spent the whole summer putting myself out there and trying to undo the changes I had made in my personality while I was "lost". Right now I think I'm back to my normal bubbly, talkative self, but I've also learned a lot from this experience. I learned that I won't always feel authentically confident, but faking confidence until you really feel it is a pretty damn good alternative. I learned that I won't be the same person all my life, and I need to be okay with growing and changing as time passes on and experiences take their toll on my personality.
My advice to anyone who feels lost in their world and unable to become a better version of themselves: keep your chin up, it won't last forever. It takes a step back to realize that you're still relatively the same as you've always been, you'll always have certain memories that have shaped your personality, and if you're actually willing to become a better version of yourself, you will.
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